1. Is it true?
Yes. Isn’t that what everybody is trying to avoid? Isn’t that why people get into therapy? Isn’t that why I do The Work of Byron Katie?
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
I still want to say yes. And I am sure the whole world would agree with me. But can I REALLY KNOW that pain is bad? No.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I want to avoid it. I feel bad and I immediately try to do something about it. I feel bad and I hate it. I think I am not supposed to feel bad. I feel bad and then I feel bad about feeling bad. I think something is wrong. Sometimes I think there is a God out there that is punishing me and then my mind tries to find what I might have done wrong. And, of course, there is always something.
With the thought, I reject feeling bad. I only accept feeling good. Feeling good tells me I am on the right track. Feeling bad means failure.
I feel bad and I want to hide it. I feel bad and I blame whoever’s fault I think it is. I mentally or verbally strike out at that source. I see myself as the victim and them as the perpetrator.
I put everything in categories: Good. Bad. Feeling good = good day. Feeling bad = bad day.
Yes, feeling bad is something to get rid off as quickly as possible.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
I would fall into it. Without defense. I’d be open and vulnerable. I’d let myself feel whatever I feel. I would report to myself what I felt. Like: "I am experiencing the feeling of …"
I wouldn’t take feeling bad personal. Do I take rain personal? No. Feeling bad is attaching to thoughts. Thoughts aren’t personal. There are universal. Just passing through. My mind innocently believes them and attaches to them.
I would feel compassion for my mind. Just be with it. Like being with a woman in labor. The pain may be uncomfortable but not doomed as bad, right? It’s something that is supposed to happen. That’s how it goes. Yeah, that is a great example. Nobody would say you shouldn’t be in pain. It’s accepted. It’s natural. And that doesn’t mean that we wouldn’t do anything about it. Clearity. I love it!
Turnarounds:
Feeling bad is not bad.
- It is what it is. A feeling. A state of mind. Just like being happy is.
- Secretely, I do enjoy it sometimes because in those moments I give myself a rest. I take a break and seek peace and quiet. Mmh, and that can feel really great.
- It often helps me relate to others when they are in a similar place where I am at when I feel bad. I think it makes me a better supporter if I come from a place of "having been there".
Feeling bad is good.
- When it comes to labor it’s good isn’t it? You want the pain because it means having the child soon, doesn’t it?
- I have soo many examples where feeling bad ulitmately led to changing something that was no longer supporting me.
- I sometimes reach out for support. And boy, does that feel sweet to receive support like that. I get to know my friends better. And they tell me that they LOVE being there for me for once when I so often am the one supporting them. Balance.
Feeling good is bad.
- When it results from drugs for example.
- When you are "afraid to lose the feeling and try to avoid anything that could bring you down, like being around someone who is feeling bad.
- When you get "addicted" to that great feeling and keep chasing after that very same great feeling.
Filed under Body, Fear and Depression by on Jul 1st, 2007. Comment. 
1. Is it true?
Yes. Seems a pretty clear connection. You eat fatty, sugary foods without any fiber you become fat. Ah, wait, maybe it’s the volume only.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
No. I can’t absolutely know. I, for example, have lost 18 pounds since January eating junk food sometimes. Yes, I eat mostly fruits, vegetables, and whole wheat products but I also have Blizzards, Twix, and chips. And certainly do I eat enough volumewise. I am losing weight even though with my understanding about nutrition I shouldn’t. That means I can’t really know what leads to being fat (or slim) and what doesn’t.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I cringe inside when I see people eat doughnut, fries, cheese ladden pizzas. I see way overweight people and I think that it’s their fault by eating so much junk food. I think I KNOW. Like I have it all figured out. I judge Americans and their unhealthy diet in general. I find it outraging that even schools serve junk food for lunch.
I feel uneasy myself when I eat more than just a piece of junk food. I get really frustrated when the popcorn at the movie theater is so full of salt that I think I can’t eat for fear of adapting to needing lots of salt in my food.
With that thought I am experiencing a lot of stress. I feel that in my neck and my right shoulder.
I am controlling. I act like the junk food police. I try to restrict it for W. I hate it when W. asks for junk food and when he is unhappy with healthy food.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Without the thought I would be more relaxed. I would not be in the I-know-mind. Truth is, I can’t absolutely know what makes fat and what makes slim. I am the best example. I used to eat much healthier in Germany but if anything I rather gained weight than lost it. Now here, I eat much more often eaten junk food or have a soda – and I am losing weight. It does not make sense.
Without the thought I wouldn’t judge people who eat junk food. I’d ease up on W. and that doesn’t mean I start giving him more junk food.
Yes, mostly I’d be more relaxed.
Turnarounds:
Eating junk food does not lead to being fat.
- I eat at least one piece of junk food every day and I keep losing weight.
- I know of some people that just seem to be able to eat a whole lot and also junk food but are slim as a model.
- Supposedly there are some diets that claim that the combination of foods matters, not whether it is fatty or sugary.
Eating junk food leads to being slim.
That turnaround seems wild. But with an open mind… who knows. As in the examples above, maybe the combination of foods does matter.
Not eating junk food leads to being fat.
- Well, back in Germany I rarely ate any junk food yet I was rather gaining weight than losing it.
- Even if it is not junk food (let’s say homemade whole wheat bread) it could still lead to being fat if I eat more than I need.
- If I lay on the couch all day, drive everywhere, and never get any kind of exercise.
Filed under Body by on Jul 2nd, 2007. Comment.
1. Is it true?
I did some great Work and by the next encounter things had changed to the better.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
I want to say that I (!) did it. It appears to often happen that way. I do some Work and things change. But can I REALLY know that I (!) dit it? No.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I feel great. I have this powerful tool that I can change my circumstances with. I don’t like something, I do The Work – and things change for the better. And I am the one that made it happen. I am soo powerful. The Work is so powerful.
The flip side to believing "I did it" is feeling terrible if things don’t change after I did some Work. I must have done something wrong. I feel like a failure. It feels aweful.
Things change after I did The Work – I did it right. Nothing changes – I did it wrong.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
I would just appreciate the way things are now. And that it may change again. I would be happy. I would be in the I-don’t-know-mind. Who knows what brought about the change. It could be many reasons. It could have been on my end. It could have been on his end. Or it could be a little bit of both. Who knows?
Without the thought it wouldn’t even matter who did it or how the change came about. Things are the way they are, before as well as now. And both were and are perfect when they are.
Without the thought I feel the joy of the change in the relationship without taking or needing credit for it.
Turnarounds:
I did not do it.
Something could have changed for him, a new perspective, someone talked to him, just a better mood that day… And tomorrow it could be like it was before.
Filed under Control, Relationships, Self by on Jul 3rd, 2007. 1 Comment.
1. Is it true?
Yes, that’s crazy being so obese already.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
Well, of course he would want to. He wants to be heavier to ride in the front seat. That’s what he sees he’d get if he was heavier.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I think he must be crazy. Why would anybody want to be obese, especially when already obese? That seems backward. One day he wants to go on a diet, another day he wants to gain weight. Yes, crazy.
With that thought I want to talk him out of that. I use shame to make him aware what consequences being even bigger would have: getting teased (more), keeping up even less with other kids, having more trouble getting up the stairs.
It seems violent.
The thought brings me a lot of stress and it doesn’t help my relationship with him.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
I would see that he really wants to sit in the front seat and how important that is to him. I would also see that he doesn’t seem to have a problem with being obese. If it was entirely up to him, he would never go on bike rides, go for walks or do anything that involves exercise. So being in shape doesn’t matter to him.
I would see that it is me who thinks her life would be better if he liked sports and outdoors and if he liked tv and playing video games less.
I would realize that the stress comes from what I think it means if he was to get more and more obese. Good one to look at.
So, without the thought there would be understanding. I would be more able to see things from his perspective.
Turnarounds:
He should want to gain weight.
- Absolutely. If what he wanted was to attain the goal of riding in the front seat and the requirement was to weigh 100 pounds than he should want to gain more weight.
- Because it shows me what stories are left around him being obese.
- Because I want to get to the point of unconditional love and what better opportunity to get there with him doing something that seems crazy to me?
Filed under Body, Children by on Jul 4th, 2007. Comment.
1. Is it true?
Yes. That’s what it looks like to me.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
No, I can’t know that she is consciously doing that to get others to make it right for her. Maybe that’s her only way of dealing with her hurt and/or disappointment. I can’t know. So, no I can’t absolutely know that.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I react annoyed. I feel manipulated. My instinct is to just ignore her. But then I am afraid that it will last for a long time or even destroy our relationship. I want to make it right but at the same time I don’t want to do it BECAUSE she is sulking. I don’t want her to think that it is because she is sulking.
With that thought I am reluctant to tend to her. I am afraid to perpetuate that sulking is a way to get others to make it right for you.
I feel torn. I feel stressed. And I feel that in my body. My shoulders are tense, my neck too.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
I would talk to her some time after. I would ask her what was going on for her and also how I could best support her in that moment. I would listen. Really listen. Actually, that idea really excites me. I might really learn something.
Wow, what a different attitude. I might find out that I am very wrong. Wow, how different that feels.
Turnarounds:
She is not using sulking as a way to get others to make it right for her.
- That might be just as true. I really can’t know. I have never asked her.
- Sometimes I am so upset I can’t even voice it. I then just need some time or someone being genuinly interested and caring about me.
- She might not have an agenda at all. She just removes herself from the situation that is unpleasant to her.
She is using sulking as a way to get herself to make it right for her.
Could be true. I just don’t know another person’s mind.
I am using sulking as a way to get others to make it right for me.
Ouch! I think I do that. Truth is, it seemed to work when I was a kid and a teenager (and even to this day). I get real quiet and eventually people would ask what’s up and try hard to find out. They would give me a lot of attention and they would try to make it right for me. Ah! Maybe that is what I am projecting onto her. That is the way I do it often. No wonder it annoys me and I just want to ignore her. Interesting to see.
Filed under Children, Control, Relationships by on Jul 5th, 2007. Comment.
