The way other people see me is the way I am
1. Is it true?
Someone says I am selfish, I must be selfish. Someone says I am needy, they must be right.
So yes, I think I do believe that.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
Someone says I am jealous and I giggle. Ah! There we go! So, it’s not always true. If someone says something that I KNOW not to be true, I don’t take it on. I find it interesting how they got to their judgment. I want to know more about.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I give what someone else says or thinks of me a lot of weight. I try to control how they see me. I do all these things so they see me in a certain way. I give so they think I am generous. I smile so they think I am nice. I don’t dance on the street so they won’t think I am crazy. And on and on.
I see others as powerful. When I believe that thought I also believe that I need their approval. I feel dependent on others to feel good. I need others to see me in a certain way so that I can feel good.
I give others a lot of power over me. They threaten to see me in an unfavorable light and I’ll do whatever it takes to turn the situation around. I am a slave, no better yet, a prostitute. I sell myself in order to get their love and approval.
I live a limited life. I take life serious.
With the thought: fear and a limited life
4. Who would you be without the thought?
When I look at the example of someone calling me jealous, I see clearly that it is their lens that they see me through. It is not who I am in reality but their pspective. And I see it even clearer if someone were to call me fat. That would be from their perspective, from the examples that they compare myself to, their culture, their background. An Asian person or a German could call me fat while an American would call me skinny.
Wow, how eye opening.
Yeah, without the thought I could appreciate people sharing their inner world with me. Someone calls me selfish and it would give me an indication that in their world doing or not doing xyz means a person is selfish. And from that place I could be open to hearing more about their experience of me. It’s not that I never had that thought myself. 
Turnarounds:
The way other people see me is not the way I am.
- Another person can never see inside of me and ever know exactly what my experience is. So, they never have all the information to make a precise judgment.
- Everybody sees me through their own lens. Someone fat might see me as skinny, someone skinny might see me as fat. Someone loving their stepmother role might judge me as cold-hearted, someone just going through some trouble with their stepkids might judge me as amazingly patient and enlightened.
- Sometimes people say something with a motive and it may not be what they truly think. I have said things before to hurt someone else or because I was in a bad place, when I didn’t really mean it.
The way I see other people is not the way they are.
- Yes, I only get to see snapshots, only the outside, never do I get to see all the internal life with all previous experiences etc. My judgement therefore is inherently wrong.
- If I have an issue with, let’s say, men not doing their fair share in the household, I will perceive any man that doesn’t do much around the house as a macho. I wouldn’t be free to see how the woman might not want his participation or that and how he contributes in a different way, or whatever else makes it work for that couple.
- If I see someone a certain way, let’s say, as being selfish, my mind will only see the instances that prove me right and will ignore everything else.
The way I see myself is not the way I am.
Oh, good one! I have been picking up what my parents or other people have told me who I am and now believe it myself. But does that mean that is who I am? It can’t because the way other people saw me was tainted by the lens they were looking through. Wow! Let me just sit with that for a while.
Filed under Approval and Appreciation, Fear and Depression, Relationships, Self by on Aug 30th, 2007. Comment. 
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Comments on The way other people see me is the way I am
I just realized that the second turnaround is technically not a turnaround to this thought. So, I want to explore the technically "correct" (good one, eh?
) turnaround here:
The way I see other people is the way they are.
And I should add …is the way they are TO ME.
- Yes, when I make a judgment about the other that is what they become in my eyes. I see someone hitting a child and they become cold-hearted, unevolved, etc. But is that who they really are? Were they just confused? Believing their thoughts? In a really bad place? Interesting.
- Yes, when I project the past onto the future. So, in the past he always said no to my request. But can I really know that today he would say no too? In my mind I gave up on him. That’s how he is. He doesn’t want to do that.
And I see another turnaround:
The way I see other people is the way I am.
Here we go. It’s what I subconsciously believe about myself, projected onto others. Welcome to The Work! 
Oh, I can see how that is so true. I see W. as demanding, selfish and with this sense of entitlement. Ooooh, I hear my parents talking …
I love the way you go back and reread your own work, think about it some more, and make comments and corrections as you see them.
That degree of commitment to the truth, to your own personal growth, is inspiring to me.
In the case of criticism, I’ve taken the words of a few inspirational people to heart, and today when someone criticizes me (no, more accurately, when someone says something I feel as critical) I look inside to find where that is true for me.
So Nick calls me a stupid a–hole and I say, “Nick, you know, you’re right. I am a stupid a–hole.” [Don't know how you feel about language on your blog.] I want desperately to add, “some of the time” but I don’t, because that’s me feeling judged and wanting to soften it. In fact, there are probably several ways in which one could find that I’m a stupid a–hole all the time.
When I respond this way he laughs, and whatever he was angry about in the first place gets toned down a lot.
And note that owning the criticism does’t preclude me invoking a consequence, if one of our house rules disallows name-calling.
I react to some criticism with hurt, some with defensiveness and some with lightness. But I try to welcome all of it, as the giver is graciously showing me where I can do further inquiry.
Hi Nancy, I love being an inspiration.
Yeah, this Work was very powerful to me. I sat with it quite a while. I used to think that what other people thought of me was the truth. I never even doubted that.
I used to be scared of criticism. Now my relationship with criticism has changed a lot. With my partner I REALLY want to know. I think that is so important for an open and honest relationship. And him not liking something about me doesn’t mean it’s wrong and I have to change it.
I love the Nonviolent Communication approach. When I see you doing xyz, I feel … because I have a need for … Would you be willing to … From that place criticism can lead to an open and honest discussion and a solution can come from a place of wanting to contribute to someone else’s life instead of feeling bad or demanding something in exchange.
And that’s not to say that I always love criticism from anyone and anytime. Oh no. I need to have some Work left to do.