Tantrums are a big energy drain
1. Is it true?
Oh My! YES!
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
They are not when I see a child throwing a tantrum on tv. Mmh, maybe because I know that this fit has nothing to do with me nor has it any implications for the future/for my future with that child. Interesting. So, no I cannot absolutely know that it is true.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I am afraid of them. I try to avoid them. I pick my fights. I don’t want R. to go on business trips and leave me alone with W. I separate. I imagine a world with a fitless W. Yeah, I make myself believe that life would be much better without tantrums. I see myself as a victim. If only…
With that thought I divide time with W. into "good times" and "bad times". I try not to be around during "bad times". My love becomes very conditional.
This thought brings separation, stress, avoidance, and also anxiety. Phew!
4. Who would you be without the thought?
There’d be love. I would see a child that hasn’t been conditioned into being "nice" for the sake of others. A child that expresses his frustration instead of holding it in. How beautiful is that?
Without the thought, there’d be compassion. With him. With me. With the gentleness his Dad handles his fits.
Without the thought, I feel much more peaceful. I close my eyes and I watch W. throw his tantrum, and all I see is freedom. Freedom to express one’s frustration, needs and wants that are alive in him (just like they are in me). I could really be there for him and listen. I would see the gift in him sharing his inner world with the people around him. I would also feel honored that he feels safe and comfortable enough to be just himself. No holding back or being nice out of shame.
Yeah, without the thought, there is gratefulness. I can see the gifts. Mmh, how wonderful.
Turnarounds:
Tantrums are not a big energy drain.
Not the ones on tv. If I have nothing to do with it, no problem. 
My thinking (about tantrums) his a big energy drain.
Oh yeah, so much more like it. He throws a fit and I make it mean something, about him, about me, about the past, about the future. Oh boy, no wonder it is soo energy draining.
Tantrums are a big energy provider.
Well, just right now, after doing this Work, I feel so … mh, full of love, so peaceful. That is energy. Oh, I love it!
Is there someone in your life who seems difficult to deal with? A child, a boss, a partner? You might find this upcoming teleclass on dealing with difficult people helpful. I’ll sure be there!
Filed under Approval and Appreciation, Children, Parents by on Sep 10th, 2007. Comment. 
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Comments on Tantrums are a big energy drain
Oh, this is such a good one for me. Thank you for working it, Christine. I too live with someone’s explosive outbursts — throwing things, slamming things, shouting, cussing.
My reaction drains much less energy from me than it used to, but being present for one of his tantrums still costs me some energy.
Our psychologist tells me that a consistent response is vitally important, so he gets sent to his room every time. In essence, he gets to make the choice: Is expressing himself that way worth the time out afterwards? (Yes, apparently, it’s worth it, because there doesn’t seem to be any change in frequency over time.)
And lately, I’ve been noticing that as I react less, he seems to be working harder to get a reaction from me. Instead of just knocking over the kitchen stool, for instance, he now slams it into my great grandfather’s pine cabinet that stands nearby, knowing I’ll jump to protect my family heirloom.
In spite of doing Inquiry on one facet of it or another a dozen times, I guess I’m still attached to “He shouldn’t behave that way.”
A couple of times lately I’ve had my own outburst when he goes off. “Excuse me,” I say, “I’m going to vent some of my feelings here.” I jump up and down or stamp my feet. I roar a big, wordless noise. I wave my fists. And I immediately feel so much brighter and looser and energized. My tantrum is a big energy provider. Hm-m-m. Do you suppose he could be teaching me something after all? And here I always thought it was my job to teach him how to be a proper human being. Hm-m-m.
Hi Christine,
Thank you for this inquiry – so where I went with this is remembering just how good it can be to really let it all out, what a big energy boost that can be sometimes – and I can then see what is underneath and do The Work on it if I want to.
Also, I have a turnaround of “Not having tantrums is a big energy drain” – for myself or others – for example holding in anger, frustration myself or when I “know” someone is pissed or angry but isn’t letting it out
With love and thanks,
Jon
Hi Jon,
With this (as with most others for me) it is all about: He is throwing a tantrum and that means…
If I take myself out of that for once and don’t assume that his tantrum means anything about me, then I am just free to listen to someone expressing himself.
When someone expresses himself in a loud and angry voice, then I notice my own discomfort about loud and angry. And in that moment I asked myself: Who would I be right here in the midst of loud and angry without a story that loud and angry means such and such. Who would I be without a story about loud and angry?
I would become a listener. Standing there solid as a rock. Someone the other person can feel safe with. Haven’t I had an explosion and felt so ashamed afterwards when I saw the shock and separation in the other person’s face? What would it be like if someone just heard me, played it back to me so I would know they really heard me?
Wow.
Thank you Nancy and Jon for you thoughts on this one. Ever since I did this Work I’ve come to see tantrums differently. I also came across a book by Namoi Aldort “Raising our children, raising ourselves” that changed my way, not only with children when it comes to listening and validating someone intense feelings.
Christine
Thanks Christine – this has helped me – I can definitely see where I do the ‘He/she is angry’ thing and so discount what they are saying, rather than being there and hearing it.
With love,
Jon
PS Just added a link to your blog on mine.