1. Is it true?
I think I really believe that.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
No.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I look at women that just stay home, raise kids and do the cooking and cleaning – and I see them as worth less.
I put myself under pressure to achieve. When I believe that thought I also feel a constant shortage of time. With that thought I am constantly chasing against the clock. I compare myself with the imaginary place of where I should be, what I should have gotten done by now, how much money I should be making, etc.
Negative self-talk. Little or disrespecting others. Doing the same with myself. Constant pressure. Being flustered with the question: What do you do?
Ick! Lots of tension in my shoulders, constantly tapping my foot, a constant restlessness. And I eat. I eat to soothe and comfort.
Alright! I am ready to look at what life would be without this thought!
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Oh my god, that would be soo peaceful. I would just live my life. I would do what’s right in front of me. Without a story of where that should lead to. I would be more present. I would enjoy life more. I would be out of other people’s business. I would enjoy doing nothing. I could totally immerse myself in playing with W. There’d be PEACE. And also less separation and judgement of others.
Mmh, yeah that feels good. I love that.
Turnarounds:
People that don’t achieve anything are not worth less.
- I have no clue what they came into this life for. What if it was just to experience what it’s like to breathe?
- Or what if these people’s job was to make others feel better in that they offer a level of achievement that is easy for others to top?
-
Side question:
What is the purpose of achievement? Why do we need to achieve something in the first place?
Because everybody needs to contribute.
Why?
Because otherwise it is unbalanced. Some people DO something while others don’t.
Ok, so it’s about fairness. Now, what about these women that stay home and raise the children, do the cooking and cleaning. They ARE doing something.
Yes, that’s true.
So, it’s not just about fairness.
No. There is a concept of good and bad, better and worse.
So, achievement comes in a specific form?
Yes. You can’t "achieve" something at home.
Is achievement tied to money?
Not sure. Actually, a professor could come up with some new formula or write a book and she may not make a lot of money but she gets a lot of recognition.
Ah! So, achievement is tied to approval?
Yes, I think more so than money. Because I could think of someone making A LOT of money and nobody would call him an achiever. Let’s say a drug dealer or bank robber.
Ok, so we’ve established that achievement is tied to approval. You want to achieve something because that would get you people’s approval.
Yes.
So, the underlying belief here is: You need other people’s approval.
Yes, that’s it. I’ll question that next.
Ooooh, that was good!
Filed under Approval and Appreciation, Self, Time, Work by on Sep 13th, 2007. 4 Comments. 
1. Is it true?
YES! I have one reference of just a small group of people avoiding me and not talking to me, and in my mind that was one of the most terrible times in my life.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
Boy! I can’t really know. I am a different person today than I was when I was a 12 year old girl. I can’t know how the same situation would feel like to me today. No, I can’t absolutely know that it would feel like hell if nobody liked me.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I internally panic when someone doesn’t approve of me. It is rather subtle. I would not be consciously aware that that is the reason I feel such discomfort when someone shows even the slightest disapproval.
It feels great to have other people’s approval. It feels great when other people like me. That’s the norm. But oh boy, do all my alarm signals go off when I am not immediately liked by other people and approved of. It feels BAD. Really bad. No wonder it does. Look at what is at stake for me! Hell!
With that thought, there is fear, and stress, and a dependence on others. I constantly have my radar up whether people approve of me or not. From that belief also comes an immense pressure on myself to do what it takes to be liked: Don’t offend anybody. Don’t be too different. Don’t hurt anybody. Don’t make anybody feel bad. Don’t be lazy. Don’t show angry feelings. Don’t be too complicated. Be nice. Be easy. Be funny.
Oh my God! So many limits. So many do’s and don’ts. There is this narrow path to walk on.
How do you treat other people?
I am afraid of people that have lots of influence. For they are the ones that could influence others, and that could ultimately lead to being all alone.
How do you treat yourself?
Pressure. I don’t care how I feel – I need to do whatever it takes to not fall off that narrow path. Smile! Be good! Be angelic, really. Be the greatest step mother. Basically, lock away any thoughts and feelings that are less than great.
What has this thought been trying to protect you from?
To stray off the path. To keep me safe. Yeah, keep me from doing anything that would get me kicked out of the herd and make me saber-toothed tiger food.
How have you lived your life because you’ve believed that thought?
I haven’t really lived my life…
With that thought: Limits, fear, pressure on myself.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Free. I would be free. I see this image of me running on a green grass field with wide open arms. I would be light. I would be very loving and gentle with me. Oooh, that feels soo good.
Wow, all that heaviness and fear is gone. The tension is leaving my body. Wow! What a life!
Turnarounds:
It would be heaven, if nobody liked me.
Because I would be left. Nobody else to do my job. No distraction. No chasing other’s approval. Just me.
It would be hell, if I didn’t like me.
- So true. One example is my old identity of being big. When someone found me cute, I couldn’t believe them. I either disregarded what they were saying, devaluating their opinion, or I thought they might have a motive. I was suspicious.
- Once someone called me a fat cow when I accidentally stepped on her feet in a crowded train. Her comment cut like a knife (and there is still some charge). I thought of me as big. I didn’t like being tall. I was the one putting me in hell by hearing her words and believing them. I have no idea if that was her standard phrase no matter how tall or big someone was. Who knows. All my friends called this women all sorts of things when they heard me tell them what she said. "You are not fat!" It felt better knowing their support but deep down I still believed I WAS big. That was the hell part.
- Someone says they like me, I will guess what it is that they like and try to keep that identity up. Maybe they like that I am funny, or easy-going, or open-minded. In order to keep their love and approval, I try to be what I think they like. If I don’t like me, I have to seek it from someone else. And that is where the stress comes in.
It would be hell, if everybody liked me.
True. There have been only a handful of people that didn’t like me. So, almost all people that I have come in contact with liked me. And look at my answers in question 3! Limits, fear, pressure on myself. That sounds like hell. So, even though I have it most of the time, there then is the fear of losing it. Just because I have it now, doesn’t mean I can rest in it. It could be gone tomorrow. This constant worry IS the hell I was afraid of in the first place.
Filed under Approval and Appreciation, Fear and Depression, Relationships, Self by on Sep 14th, 2007. Comment.
1. Is it true?
It might. It could REALLY hurt and be soo uncomfortable.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
No.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I let them ignore me. I don’t do anything about it. I don’t go up to them and ask point blank. I don’t bring it out into the open. I am quiet. I suffer. I think of quitting and not coming back. I have my head low. I am hoping for it to end and for everything to be normal again.
How do you treat others?
I see them as powerful. They can make me feel bad. They can make my life miserable. – And they can make it better.
How do you treat yourself?
I see myself as weak. As someone who couldn’t handle whatever might be there. I see myself blushing. I leave myself alone in my pain. I don’t stop or at least try to stop the pain and suffering. I abandon me.
I reach for food to soothe me. (Yeah, all day I’ve been wanting to eat stuff)
What has this thought been trying to protect you from?
Public and open judgment where everybody gets to tell me straight to the face what they think of me. This terrifies me (the 12 year old without inquiry). Who knows what would come up. I get images of extreme discomfort, blushing, wanting out, shame and embarrassement forever. I could never come back to the club, people in town would be talking about me, my life (and this sports team is a big part of my life) would be cut off. Gosh, no wonder I wouldn’t confront anybody and ask what IS UP?
How have you lived your life because you believed that thought?
I duck. I don’t confront other people when there seems to be an issue. I am afraid of what all would come up if I did. I am afraid to hear what they REALLY think of me. FEAR. LIMITS.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Without this thought, no doubt, I would address the problem. I would confront the people that seem to avoid me, that don’t talk to me. I would ask what’s up. I would bring it out into the open. I might ask the coach to take some time and have a team meeting to discuss the issue.
I would not feel guilty or look for possible reasons why they could be upset with me. I wouldn’t try to be nice to make them see I am ok.
Yes, I would stand up straight and just find out what’s up. I would confront instead of duck. Without the thought I am out of fear and paralysis into confidence and action. I am out of their business trying to figure it out myself.
I am much more loving and gentle with myself. I would stand by me. I would fight for me. I would not abandon me. I would stand up for me.
I would not see others as almighty and right. I would question their behavior. I wouldn’t not automatically assume that they must be right. I would be much more light-hearted but also determined and confident, active. Yeah, I would take action.
Oooh, that feels REALLY good. Especially the part where I fight for me and don’t abandon me.
Turnarounds:
All hell won’t break loose.
The worst that could happen is that everybody tells me what a bad person I am and that they don’t want me in the team anymore. Now, isn’t that what I am already considering anyway? If people really thought that badly of me, would I want to go on and have them suppress their thoughts and feelings and smile at me instead? Woud I really want that?
All hell will come to an end.
Yeah, I would fight for me. I really saw that the pain wasn’t in what THEY did to me but what I did to me. They say I am bad and I believed them. I left me. I abandoned me. I didn’t stand up for me. I let them say I am bad and I didn’t set things right. I made them more powerful than me.
All heaven will break loose.
Oooh, stand up for myself, be with me. What’s the worst that could happen if I open up the lines of communication? People telling me their opinion of me. No more and no less. So the worst that could happen is that I take what they say about me and believe it. And isn’t that what I already am doing?
The other part of heaven that could break loose that I see is to get clarity about what’s going on and to find out that all was just a communication mistake. Clearing it up instead of letting it simmer under the surface for days and never really talking about it.
Filed under Approval and Appreciation, Fear and Depression, Relationships by on Sep 15th, 2007. Comment.
