1. Is that true?
Yes. I’ve got enough on my plate. They shouldn’t be so self centered.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
No.
Sad. Rejecting. Mentally attacking them. Separating from then. Seeing them as the villian. Being in their business. Unempathic. Annoyed. Lonely.
Not appreciating what the Are doing. Focused on me.
I am in direct opposition of what is. I feel like Rumpelstilzchen. Wanting things to be different than they are, when that is not in my business. Oooh, that’s a recipe for depression.
I would be much happier. Out of their business. Relaxed. Going with what is. And that could mean hearing where they are coming from, really listening, giving empathy as well as asking for support.
Oh boy, what a difference! Without this expectation I start to appreciate my friends again. I see what they are doing. Without the thought I don’t have a concept of how things SHOULD be. It becomes ridiculous. I hear Byron Katie say: "Open up, Rose! Open up! You should open up!" My friends should be more supportive – What was I thinking??! 
I am just laughing, laughing, laughing inside. For the first time I see so clearly how it is ME who is making herself unhappy. I have this concept and I compare that to reality. Of course, I’ll be unhappy. Wow!
Turnarounds
They should not be more supportive.
- Truer! They shouldn’t when they aren’t.
- They shouldn’t because I get to see these concepts I have and how unkind I treat others when they don’t live up to that made-up standard.
- They shouldn’t because I just got to see that my unhappiness doesn’t come from their actions but from my thinking of how things should be.
I should be more supportive (of my friends)
- Yes. When I believe "They should be more supportive of me" I have no room for being supportive of them. It all shrinks down to what they are doing for ME.
- Yes. If I think it’s so easy for them to do, let me start with me.
I should be more supportive (of me)
- When I believe the thought "They should be more supportive of me", I am gone. I am over there in their business. Nobody here with me. No wonder I feel lonely.
- If I need more support, I should ask for it, instead of stewing in sadness and feelings of abandonment and overwhelm. That would be true support.
Filed under Approval and Appreciation, Control, Fear and Depression, Relationships by on Apr 5th, 2008. Comment. 
1. Is it true?
Yes. Why? Mh… Because then I wouldn’t feel bad about myself. I would make that mean that I did a good job. And if they don’t get it, then it means that I failed.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
No. I can’t know that it would be best for them to get it right now. And I also can’t know that it would be better for me if they got it right now.
3. How do you react when you believe that thought?
I get frustrated with them. I work even harder to get them to see it. I experience stress. Oh, a LOT of stress. Tense shoulders like a brick. I get this image of a fist. Yeah, a balled fist. I am trying to force an outcome. I want them to get it. I want them to really see. I want them to have an aha-moment.
I get frustrated with myself. I tell myself that I am not good if they don’t get it. I bring myself down. I make it mean something about me. If only I was better, then they’d get it. Byron Katie would get them to understand. And XYZ would. I am not. With me they don’t get it. I crush my self-confidence.
And then I get frustrated with The Work. That it’s not as easy as Katie says. Just four questions. Right! It’s much more than that. It’s a totally different way of seeing a problem. Of seeing the whole world! That is not small potatoes. In a way, I attack The Work. And Katie. Yeah, she makes it seem so easy.
Ok, so with the thought, FRUSTRATION, forcing an outcome, lots of negative self-talk.
4. Who would you be without that thought?
Without the thought I would get out of the other people’s business. Out of God’s/reality’s business. I can’t know whether and when the right time is for others to get The Work. It’s like the rose that Katie tries to make open up. "You should open up! Open rose! What’s wrong with you?!" etc. It seems ridiculous when she does that. As if any putting down or screaming could make the rose open up. So, no matter what I do, if it’s not time for someone to get The Work, it’s just not time.
Without the thought I relax. I don’t make it mean something about me and how good or bad I am as a facilitator. I relax. I listen to my intuition. I go with what comes up. I don’t force. I don’t need any particular outcome. I am just there. Doing what I am doing without a story.
Turnarounds:
They shouldn’t get it.
- When they don’t.
- Not before it’s time. We don’t want a baby to come out when s/he’s not ready. We don’t want to take out the cake when it’s not done cooking. We don’t want to get up when we are not done sleeping.
- Because I get to see all my expectations and attachments to what it means when they don’t get it.
I should get it.
- That some people don’t get it.
- That it is not time for them to get it yet.
- That no screaming in the world and putting down myself will get them to get if it’s not time yet.
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Filed under Approval and Appreciation, Control, Work by on Dec 6th, 2007. 1 Comment.
1. Is it true?
I think it would feel really good.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
Not if it comes at the price of selling myself.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I try to achieve something. A lot of my motivation comes from that thought.
With that thought I am dependent on their opinion of me. With that thought I also believe that I don’t have their approval. I feel like a victim. If only I had their approval life would be easier.
Yeah, there is a dependency. I am in their business. Out of mine. They are over there. I am over there. Nobody here to be with me. No wonder it feels lonely. I base my sense of self-worth on their opinion of me. Yikes.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
I would be in my own business. I would feel freer. Less limited. No need to show off my accomplishments and try to be especially good around them. I think I would rest more in my own peace. I would feel more confident around them.
Turnarounds:
I don’t want their approval.
- Not if that means to try to be good or special around them. So much effort and stress.
- If they don’t feel that way. I don’t want to control their thoughts if they don’t feel that way.
- I may feel the fear to lose it and try to do whatever it takes to keep that approval. Again, stressful.
- Because without their approval I really get to look at my own sense of self-worth (which ultimately will lead to more clarity and independence).
They want my approval.
Their business. But who knows. They could be just like me.
I want my approval.
Isn’t that what is REALLY true? When I am convinced of what I am doing, when I am happy with it and at peace, I don’t need anybody’s approval. I KNOW that it’s good. That is the best state to be in.
Filed under Approval and Appreciation by on Oct 11th, 2007. 2 Comments.
1. Is it true?
It might. It could REALLY hurt and be soo uncomfortable.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
No.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I let them ignore me. I don’t do anything about it. I don’t go up to them and ask point blank. I don’t bring it out into the open. I am quiet. I suffer. I think of quitting and not coming back. I have my head low. I am hoping for it to end and for everything to be normal again.
How do you treat others?
I see them as powerful. They can make me feel bad. They can make my life miserable. – And they can make it better.
How do you treat yourself?
I see myself as weak. As someone who couldn’t handle whatever might be there. I see myself blushing. I leave myself alone in my pain. I don’t stop or at least try to stop the pain and suffering. I abandon me.
I reach for food to soothe me. (Yeah, all day I’ve been wanting to eat stuff)
What has this thought been trying to protect you from?
Public and open judgment where everybody gets to tell me straight to the face what they think of me. This terrifies me (the 12 year old without inquiry). Who knows what would come up. I get images of extreme discomfort, blushing, wanting out, shame and embarrassement forever. I could never come back to the club, people in town would be talking about me, my life (and this sports team is a big part of my life) would be cut off. Gosh, no wonder I wouldn’t confront anybody and ask what IS UP?
How have you lived your life because you believed that thought?
I duck. I don’t confront other people when there seems to be an issue. I am afraid of what all would come up if I did. I am afraid to hear what they REALLY think of me. FEAR. LIMITS.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Without this thought, no doubt, I would address the problem. I would confront the people that seem to avoid me, that don’t talk to me. I would ask what’s up. I would bring it out into the open. I might ask the coach to take some time and have a team meeting to discuss the issue.
I would not feel guilty or look for possible reasons why they could be upset with me. I wouldn’t try to be nice to make them see I am ok.
Yes, I would stand up straight and just find out what’s up. I would confront instead of duck. Without the thought I am out of fear and paralysis into confidence and action. I am out of their business trying to figure it out myself.
I am much more loving and gentle with myself. I would stand by me. I would fight for me. I would not abandon me. I would stand up for me.
I would not see others as almighty and right. I would question their behavior. I wouldn’t not automatically assume that they must be right. I would be much more light-hearted but also determined and confident, active. Yeah, I would take action.
Oooh, that feels REALLY good. Especially the part where I fight for me and don’t abandon me.
Turnarounds:
All hell won’t break loose.
The worst that could happen is that everybody tells me what a bad person I am and that they don’t want me in the team anymore. Now, isn’t that what I am already considering anyway? If people really thought that badly of me, would I want to go on and have them suppress their thoughts and feelings and smile at me instead? Woud I really want that?
All hell will come to an end.
Yeah, I would fight for me. I really saw that the pain wasn’t in what THEY did to me but what I did to me. They say I am bad and I believed them. I left me. I abandoned me. I didn’t stand up for me. I let them say I am bad and I didn’t set things right. I made them more powerful than me.
All heaven will break loose.
Oooh, stand up for myself, be with me. What’s the worst that could happen if I open up the lines of communication? People telling me their opinion of me. No more and no less. So the worst that could happen is that I take what they say about me and believe it. And isn’t that what I already am doing?
The other part of heaven that could break loose that I see is to get clarity about what’s going on and to find out that all was just a communication mistake. Clearing it up instead of letting it simmer under the surface for days and never really talking about it.
Filed under Approval and Appreciation, Fear and Depression, Relationships by on Sep 15th, 2007. Comment.
1. Is it true?
YES! I have one reference of just a small group of people avoiding me and not talking to me, and in my mind that was one of the most terrible times in my life.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
Boy! I can’t really know. I am a different person today than I was when I was a 12 year old girl. I can’t know how the same situation would feel like to me today. No, I can’t absolutely know that it would feel like hell if nobody liked me.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I internally panic when someone doesn’t approve of me. It is rather subtle. I would not be consciously aware that that is the reason I feel such discomfort when someone shows even the slightest disapproval.
It feels great to have other people’s approval. It feels great when other people like me. That’s the norm. But oh boy, do all my alarm signals go off when I am not immediately liked by other people and approved of. It feels BAD. Really bad. No wonder it does. Look at what is at stake for me! Hell!
With that thought, there is fear, and stress, and a dependence on others. I constantly have my radar up whether people approve of me or not. From that belief also comes an immense pressure on myself to do what it takes to be liked: Don’t offend anybody. Don’t be too different. Don’t hurt anybody. Don’t make anybody feel bad. Don’t be lazy. Don’t show angry feelings. Don’t be too complicated. Be nice. Be easy. Be funny.
Oh my God! So many limits. So many do’s and don’ts. There is this narrow path to walk on.
How do you treat other people?
I am afraid of people that have lots of influence. For they are the ones that could influence others, and that could ultimately lead to being all alone.
How do you treat yourself?
Pressure. I don’t care how I feel – I need to do whatever it takes to not fall off that narrow path. Smile! Be good! Be angelic, really. Be the greatest step mother. Basically, lock away any thoughts and feelings that are less than great.
What has this thought been trying to protect you from?
To stray off the path. To keep me safe. Yeah, keep me from doing anything that would get me kicked out of the herd and make me saber-toothed tiger food.
How have you lived your life because you’ve believed that thought?
I haven’t really lived my life…
With that thought: Limits, fear, pressure on myself.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Free. I would be free. I see this image of me running on a green grass field with wide open arms. I would be light. I would be very loving and gentle with me. Oooh, that feels soo good.
Wow, all that heaviness and fear is gone. The tension is leaving my body. Wow! What a life!
Turnarounds:
It would be heaven, if nobody liked me.
Because I would be left. Nobody else to do my job. No distraction. No chasing other’s approval. Just me.
It would be hell, if I didn’t like me.
- So true. One example is my old identity of being big. When someone found me cute, I couldn’t believe them. I either disregarded what they were saying, devaluating their opinion, or I thought they might have a motive. I was suspicious.
- Once someone called me a fat cow when I accidentally stepped on her feet in a crowded train. Her comment cut like a knife (and there is still some charge). I thought of me as big. I didn’t like being tall. I was the one putting me in hell by hearing her words and believing them. I have no idea if that was her standard phrase no matter how tall or big someone was. Who knows. All my friends called this women all sorts of things when they heard me tell them what she said. "You are not fat!" It felt better knowing their support but deep down I still believed I WAS big. That was the hell part.
- Someone says they like me, I will guess what it is that they like and try to keep that identity up. Maybe they like that I am funny, or easy-going, or open-minded. In order to keep their love and approval, I try to be what I think they like. If I don’t like me, I have to seek it from someone else. And that is where the stress comes in.
It would be hell, if everybody liked me.
True. There have been only a handful of people that didn’t like me. So, almost all people that I have come in contact with liked me. And look at my answers in question 3! Limits, fear, pressure on myself. That sounds like hell. So, even though I have it most of the time, there then is the fear of losing it. Just because I have it now, doesn’t mean I can rest in it. It could be gone tomorrow. This constant worry IS the hell I was afraid of in the first place.
Filed under Approval and Appreciation, Fear and Depression, Relationships, Self by on Sep 14th, 2007. Comment.
