1. Is that true?
Yes. I’ve got enough on my plate. They shouldn’t be so self centered.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
No.
Sad. Rejecting. Mentally attacking them. Separating from then. Seeing them as the villian. Being in their business. Unempathic. Annoyed. Lonely.
Not appreciating what the Are doing. Focused on me.
I am in direct opposition of what is. I feel like Rumpelstilzchen. Wanting things to be different than they are, when that is not in my business. Oooh, that’s a recipe for depression.
I would be much happier. Out of their business. Relaxed. Going with what is. And that could mean hearing where they are coming from, really listening, giving empathy as well as asking for support.
Oh boy, what a difference! Without this expectation I start to appreciate my friends again. I see what they are doing. Without the thought I don’t have a concept of how things SHOULD be. It becomes ridiculous. I hear Byron Katie say: "Open up, Rose! Open up! You should open up!" My friends should be more supportive – What was I thinking??! 
I am just laughing, laughing, laughing inside. For the first time I see so clearly how it is ME who is making herself unhappy. I have this concept and I compare that to reality. Of course, I’ll be unhappy. Wow!
Turnarounds
They should not be more supportive.
- Truer! They shouldn’t when they aren’t.
- They shouldn’t because I get to see these concepts I have and how unkind I treat others when they don’t live up to that made-up standard.
- They shouldn’t because I just got to see that my unhappiness doesn’t come from their actions but from my thinking of how things should be.
I should be more supportive (of my friends)
- Yes. When I believe "They should be more supportive of me" I have no room for being supportive of them. It all shrinks down to what they are doing for ME.
- Yes. If I think it’s so easy for them to do, let me start with me.
I should be more supportive (of me)
- When I believe the thought "They should be more supportive of me", I am gone. I am over there in their business. Nobody here with me. No wonder I feel lonely.
- If I need more support, I should ask for it, instead of stewing in sadness and feelings of abandonment and overwhelm. That would be true support.
Filed under Approval and Appreciation, Control, Fear and Depression, Relationships by on Apr 5th, 2008. Comment. 
1. Is it true?
Yes. Why? Mh… Because then I wouldn’t feel bad about myself. I would make that mean that I did a good job. And if they don’t get it, then it means that I failed.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
No. I can’t know that it would be best for them to get it right now. And I also can’t know that it would be better for me if they got it right now.
3. How do you react when you believe that thought?
I get frustrated with them. I work even harder to get them to see it. I experience stress. Oh, a LOT of stress. Tense shoulders like a brick. I get this image of a fist. Yeah, a balled fist. I am trying to force an outcome. I want them to get it. I want them to really see. I want them to have an aha-moment.
I get frustrated with myself. I tell myself that I am not good if they don’t get it. I bring myself down. I make it mean something about me. If only I was better, then they’d get it. Byron Katie would get them to understand. And XYZ would. I am not. With me they don’t get it. I crush my self-confidence.
And then I get frustrated with The Work. That it’s not as easy as Katie says. Just four questions. Right! It’s much more than that. It’s a totally different way of seeing a problem. Of seeing the whole world! That is not small potatoes. In a way, I attack The Work. And Katie. Yeah, she makes it seem so easy.
Ok, so with the thought, FRUSTRATION, forcing an outcome, lots of negative self-talk.
4. Who would you be without that thought?
Without the thought I would get out of the other people’s business. Out of God’s/reality’s business. I can’t know whether and when the right time is for others to get The Work. It’s like the rose that Katie tries to make open up. "You should open up! Open rose! What’s wrong with you?!" etc. It seems ridiculous when she does that. As if any putting down or screaming could make the rose open up. So, no matter what I do, if it’s not time for someone to get The Work, it’s just not time.
Without the thought I relax. I don’t make it mean something about me and how good or bad I am as a facilitator. I relax. I listen to my intuition. I go with what comes up. I don’t force. I don’t need any particular outcome. I am just there. Doing what I am doing without a story.
Turnarounds:
They shouldn’t get it.
- When they don’t.
- Not before it’s time. We don’t want a baby to come out when s/he’s not ready. We don’t want to take out the cake when it’s not done cooking. We don’t want to get up when we are not done sleeping.
- Because I get to see all my expectations and attachments to what it means when they don’t get it.
I should get it.
- That some people don’t get it.
- That it is not time for them to get it yet.
- That no screaming in the world and putting down myself will get them to get if it’s not time yet.
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Filed under Approval and Appreciation, Control, Work by on Dec 6th, 2007. 1 Comment.
1. Is it true?
I will answer that from the place of someone being stuck in a small barrel with another prisoner in a concentration camp.
In that very moment, yes, I believe that.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
No.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I am having a panic attack. I feel the other one’s body pressed to mine. I scream. I want to kick. I want out. I can’t breathe. I need out right now. I think I can’t take it. There is an amazing physical power. I try to break the barrel. And I realize it’s not working.
Absolute panic.
Right here as I am sitting here imagining the situation, my shoulders are incredibly tense. They are hard like steel. I have trouble breathing. I am breathing very shallow. I am sweating. Just imagining the situation brings great discomfort.
With the thought: sheer terror
4. Who would you be without the thought?
I am calmer. I breathe. I relax some. I would surrender. I might feel the other person’s body and imagine it being my loved one.
Mmh, yeah much more peaceful.
Turnarounds:
I am not going die.
- Right now I am alive.
- In this moment I have enough air to breathe, my blood is flowing through my veins, my heart is pumping.
I am going to live.
- Since I don’t know the future, that may be just as true.
- That feels better, so that might be an indication that it is truer.
- That thought is also more supportive of my situation right now. Even if it is not truer, it serves me in the moment.
Filed under Body, Control, Fear and Depression, Time by on Sep 6th, 2007. 2 Comments.
1. Is it true?
Yes.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
No.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I want to pillory them. I want everybody to know that they lied. I want everybody to know the truth. I judge them harshly. I see them as immoral.
With the thought: disgust and separation.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
I would be relaxed. I would hear people lie and I wouldn’t have a story about that. I wouldn’t condone it but I also wouldn’t judge them harshly or talk about them to others.
Without the thought: peace and being relaxed.
Turnarounds:
People should lie.
- That’s reality. In this world people lie. Sometimes.
- Sometimes that may be best for their or mine or other people’s path in the long run.
- Often it takes courage to be honest, even to themselves.
I shouldn’t lie.
- I have. So if I think others shouldn’t, how even is that?
- Yeah, I live that. Honesty is one of my most important values. It is for me to live.
- Sometimes I am lying to myself by telling myself I can’t do that or I am too weak, not smart enough, too big – stories that are just not true.
I notice how I don’t really believe this thought. Interesting.
Filed under Control, Relationships by on Sep 3rd, 2007. Comment.
1. Is it true?
Oh, it is so annoying. The tv is on ALL day. It drains my energy. It is exhausting. Yes, I want it off!
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
If I really did want it off I would have turned it off long ago. So, no, it is not true.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
My tv disgust and hatred comes out full blown. My shoulders are very tense. I strike out against W., against R., against the whole tv addicted nation.
I see myself as a victim. It is like swimming against the stream. I feel hopeless.
I also doubt that I have the right to ask for the tv to be turned off. I hesitate to ask because I think my preference is so extreme over here. And from there I cycle back to seeing this society as messed up with their watching tv all day, even having tv’s in restaurants (!), doing everything with their cars, eating junk food all the time… STRESS. A LOT of STRESS.
With the thought: Stress, resentment, separation.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
I would be more relaxed. I might go into the bedroom and write there. Or, I might just ask to have the tv turned off. Either answer tells me where to be. Yes, tv off, I am supposed to sit at the kitchen table. No, tv not off, I am supposed to work in the bedroom. Wow, how simple, really simple life gets when I am not attached to an outcome.
Without the thought: clarity and action.
Turnarounds:
I don’t want the tv off.
- Yes, if I really did want the tv off, I would get up and turn it off.
- Yes, because I want something else more: W. happy and not throwing a fit about the tv off.
- Yes, if the tv was off and maybe also his game, I might not get to enjoy my coffee here at the table but feel the need to offer him something else to do. And right now, that is not what I want to do.
I want the tv on.
- Yes, it is on.
- Because that way I don’t have to deal with one of W.’s fits.
- So I get to hear my stories loud and clear, about tv, about raising children, about addiction, about this nation, about my being a victim. What a concert!
Ah, I love honesty. And I just ask W. to turn off the tv or turn the volume way down and he turned the tv off. Isn’t reality always kinder than our thoughts about it?
Filed under Children, Control by on Aug 26th, 2007. Comment.
