1. Is that true?
Yes. I’ve got enough on my plate. They shouldn’t be so self centered.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
No.
Sad. Rejecting. Mentally attacking them. Separating from then. Seeing them as the villian. Being in their business. Unempathic. Annoyed. Lonely.
Not appreciating what the Are doing. Focused on me.
I am in direct opposition of what is. I feel like Rumpelstilzchen. Wanting things to be different than they are, when that is not in my business. Oooh, that’s a recipe for depression.
I would be much happier. Out of their business. Relaxed. Going with what is. And that could mean hearing where they are coming from, really listening, giving empathy as well as asking for support.
Oh boy, what a difference! Without this expectation I start to appreciate my friends again. I see what they are doing. Without the thought I don’t have a concept of how things SHOULD be. It becomes ridiculous. I hear Byron Katie say: "Open up, Rose! Open up! You should open up!" My friends should be more supportive – What was I thinking??! 
I am just laughing, laughing, laughing inside. For the first time I see so clearly how it is ME who is making herself unhappy. I have this concept and I compare that to reality. Of course, I’ll be unhappy. Wow!
Turnarounds
They should not be more supportive.
- Truer! They shouldn’t when they aren’t.
- They shouldn’t because I get to see these concepts I have and how unkind I treat others when they don’t live up to that made-up standard.
- They shouldn’t because I just got to see that my unhappiness doesn’t come from their actions but from my thinking of how things should be.
I should be more supportive (of my friends)
- Yes. When I believe "They should be more supportive of me" I have no room for being supportive of them. It all shrinks down to what they are doing for ME.
- Yes. If I think it’s so easy for them to do, let me start with me.
I should be more supportive (of me)
- When I believe the thought "They should be more supportive of me", I am gone. I am over there in their business. Nobody here with me. No wonder I feel lonely.
- If I need more support, I should ask for it, instead of stewing in sadness and feelings of abandonment and overwhelm. That would be true support.
Filed under Approval and Appreciation, Control, Fear and Depression, Relationships by on Apr 5th, 2008. Comment. 
1. Is that true?
It sounds too good to be true.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
No. It might happen.
Sad. Disappointed. I try not to do anything that would hurt the chances of it happening. I notice how I am using this thought to protect myself from disappointment. I am in the future. Totally. Every little thing I interpret as proof that it probably won’t happen. The original excitment as the opportunity came up is dead.
Without the thought I’d be in gratitude for the opportunity that has come up. I’d be open. I’d definitely be more in the present moment. I’d come back into my life here and now. I notice what’s around me. Before my surroundings had kind of faded. I wasn’t really aware of them. Interesting. Oh, and I am much happier. The sadness is gone or just faintly there. There is some joy bubbling up. And I am away from making interpretations and assumptions of what it means about me if it doesn’t happen. Yep, much more peaceful.
Turnarounds
It is going to happen.
- Chances have gone from 0 to at least 50 percent. Before the opportunity came up I didn’t even have it in my mind as an option.
- She wouldn’t have brought it up if she had no intention on following through
Filed under Fear and Depression, Money by on Mar 27th, 2008. Comment.
1. Is it true?
It might. It could REALLY hurt and be soo uncomfortable.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
No.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I let them ignore me. I don’t do anything about it. I don’t go up to them and ask point blank. I don’t bring it out into the open. I am quiet. I suffer. I think of quitting and not coming back. I have my head low. I am hoping for it to end and for everything to be normal again.
How do you treat others?
I see them as powerful. They can make me feel bad. They can make my life miserable. – And they can make it better.
How do you treat yourself?
I see myself as weak. As someone who couldn’t handle whatever might be there. I see myself blushing. I leave myself alone in my pain. I don’t stop or at least try to stop the pain and suffering. I abandon me.
I reach for food to soothe me. (Yeah, all day I’ve been wanting to eat stuff)
What has this thought been trying to protect you from?
Public and open judgment where everybody gets to tell me straight to the face what they think of me. This terrifies me (the 12 year old without inquiry). Who knows what would come up. I get images of extreme discomfort, blushing, wanting out, shame and embarrassement forever. I could never come back to the club, people in town would be talking about me, my life (and this sports team is a big part of my life) would be cut off. Gosh, no wonder I wouldn’t confront anybody and ask what IS UP?
How have you lived your life because you believed that thought?
I duck. I don’t confront other people when there seems to be an issue. I am afraid of what all would come up if I did. I am afraid to hear what they REALLY think of me. FEAR. LIMITS.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Without this thought, no doubt, I would address the problem. I would confront the people that seem to avoid me, that don’t talk to me. I would ask what’s up. I would bring it out into the open. I might ask the coach to take some time and have a team meeting to discuss the issue.
I would not feel guilty or look for possible reasons why they could be upset with me. I wouldn’t try to be nice to make them see I am ok.
Yes, I would stand up straight and just find out what’s up. I would confront instead of duck. Without the thought I am out of fear and paralysis into confidence and action. I am out of their business trying to figure it out myself.
I am much more loving and gentle with myself. I would stand by me. I would fight for me. I would not abandon me. I would stand up for me.
I would not see others as almighty and right. I would question their behavior. I wouldn’t not automatically assume that they must be right. I would be much more light-hearted but also determined and confident, active. Yeah, I would take action.
Oooh, that feels REALLY good. Especially the part where I fight for me and don’t abandon me.
Turnarounds:
All hell won’t break loose.
The worst that could happen is that everybody tells me what a bad person I am and that they don’t want me in the team anymore. Now, isn’t that what I am already considering anyway? If people really thought that badly of me, would I want to go on and have them suppress their thoughts and feelings and smile at me instead? Woud I really want that?
All hell will come to an end.
Yeah, I would fight for me. I really saw that the pain wasn’t in what THEY did to me but what I did to me. They say I am bad and I believed them. I left me. I abandoned me. I didn’t stand up for me. I let them say I am bad and I didn’t set things right. I made them more powerful than me.
All heaven will break loose.
Oooh, stand up for myself, be with me. What’s the worst that could happen if I open up the lines of communication? People telling me their opinion of me. No more and no less. So the worst that could happen is that I take what they say about me and believe it. And isn’t that what I already am doing?
The other part of heaven that could break loose that I see is to get clarity about what’s going on and to find out that all was just a communication mistake. Clearing it up instead of letting it simmer under the surface for days and never really talking about it.
Filed under Approval and Appreciation, Fear and Depression, Relationships by on Sep 15th, 2007. Comment.
1. Is it true?
YES! I have one reference of just a small group of people avoiding me and not talking to me, and in my mind that was one of the most terrible times in my life.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
Boy! I can’t really know. I am a different person today than I was when I was a 12 year old girl. I can’t know how the same situation would feel like to me today. No, I can’t absolutely know that it would feel like hell if nobody liked me.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I internally panic when someone doesn’t approve of me. It is rather subtle. I would not be consciously aware that that is the reason I feel such discomfort when someone shows even the slightest disapproval.
It feels great to have other people’s approval. It feels great when other people like me. That’s the norm. But oh boy, do all my alarm signals go off when I am not immediately liked by other people and approved of. It feels BAD. Really bad. No wonder it does. Look at what is at stake for me! Hell!
With that thought, there is fear, and stress, and a dependence on others. I constantly have my radar up whether people approve of me or not. From that belief also comes an immense pressure on myself to do what it takes to be liked: Don’t offend anybody. Don’t be too different. Don’t hurt anybody. Don’t make anybody feel bad. Don’t be lazy. Don’t show angry feelings. Don’t be too complicated. Be nice. Be easy. Be funny.
Oh my God! So many limits. So many do’s and don’ts. There is this narrow path to walk on.
How do you treat other people?
I am afraid of people that have lots of influence. For they are the ones that could influence others, and that could ultimately lead to being all alone.
How do you treat yourself?
Pressure. I don’t care how I feel – I need to do whatever it takes to not fall off that narrow path. Smile! Be good! Be angelic, really. Be the greatest step mother. Basically, lock away any thoughts and feelings that are less than great.
What has this thought been trying to protect you from?
To stray off the path. To keep me safe. Yeah, keep me from doing anything that would get me kicked out of the herd and make me saber-toothed tiger food.
How have you lived your life because you’ve believed that thought?
I haven’t really lived my life…
With that thought: Limits, fear, pressure on myself.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Free. I would be free. I see this image of me running on a green grass field with wide open arms. I would be light. I would be very loving and gentle with me. Oooh, that feels soo good.
Wow, all that heaviness and fear is gone. The tension is leaving my body. Wow! What a life!
Turnarounds:
It would be heaven, if nobody liked me.
Because I would be left. Nobody else to do my job. No distraction. No chasing other’s approval. Just me.
It would be hell, if I didn’t like me.
- So true. One example is my old identity of being big. When someone found me cute, I couldn’t believe them. I either disregarded what they were saying, devaluating their opinion, or I thought they might have a motive. I was suspicious.
- Once someone called me a fat cow when I accidentally stepped on her feet in a crowded train. Her comment cut like a knife (and there is still some charge). I thought of me as big. I didn’t like being tall. I was the one putting me in hell by hearing her words and believing them. I have no idea if that was her standard phrase no matter how tall or big someone was. Who knows. All my friends called this women all sorts of things when they heard me tell them what she said. "You are not fat!" It felt better knowing their support but deep down I still believed I WAS big. That was the hell part.
- Someone says they like me, I will guess what it is that they like and try to keep that identity up. Maybe they like that I am funny, or easy-going, or open-minded. In order to keep their love and approval, I try to be what I think they like. If I don’t like me, I have to seek it from someone else. And that is where the stress comes in.
It would be hell, if everybody liked me.
True. There have been only a handful of people that didn’t like me. So, almost all people that I have come in contact with liked me. And look at my answers in question 3! Limits, fear, pressure on myself. That sounds like hell. So, even though I have it most of the time, there then is the fear of losing it. Just because I have it now, doesn’t mean I can rest in it. It could be gone tomorrow. This constant worry IS the hell I was afraid of in the first place.
Filed under Approval and Appreciation, Fear and Depression, Relationships, Self by on Sep 14th, 2007. Comment.
1. Is it true?
I will answer that from the place of someone being stuck in a small barrel with another prisoner in a concentration camp.
In that very moment, yes, I believe that.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
No.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I am having a panic attack. I feel the other one’s body pressed to mine. I scream. I want to kick. I want out. I can’t breathe. I need out right now. I think I can’t take it. There is an amazing physical power. I try to break the barrel. And I realize it’s not working.
Absolute panic.
Right here as I am sitting here imagining the situation, my shoulders are incredibly tense. They are hard like steel. I have trouble breathing. I am breathing very shallow. I am sweating. Just imagining the situation brings great discomfort.
With the thought: sheer terror
4. Who would you be without the thought?
I am calmer. I breathe. I relax some. I would surrender. I might feel the other person’s body and imagine it being my loved one.
Mmh, yeah much more peaceful.
Turnarounds:
I am not going die.
- Right now I am alive.
- In this moment I have enough air to breathe, my blood is flowing through my veins, my heart is pumping.
I am going to live.
- Since I don’t know the future, that may be just as true.
- That feels better, so that might be an indication that it is truer.
- That thought is also more supportive of my situation right now. Even if it is not truer, it serves me in the moment.
Filed under Body, Control, Fear and Depression, Time by on Sep 6th, 2007. 2 Comments.
