1. Is that true?
Yes. I’ve got enough on my plate. They shouldn’t be so self centered.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
No.
Sad. Rejecting. Mentally attacking them. Separating from then. Seeing them as the villian. Being in their business. Unempathic. Annoyed. Lonely.
Not appreciating what the Are doing. Focused on me.
I am in direct opposition of what is. I feel like Rumpelstilzchen. Wanting things to be different than they are, when that is not in my business. Oooh, that’s a recipe for depression.
I would be much happier. Out of their business. Relaxed. Going with what is. And that could mean hearing where they are coming from, really listening, giving empathy as well as asking for support.
Oh boy, what a difference! Without this expectation I start to appreciate my friends again. I see what they are doing. Without the thought I don’t have a concept of how things SHOULD be. It becomes ridiculous. I hear Byron Katie say: "Open up, Rose! Open up! You should open up!" My friends should be more supportive – What was I thinking??! 
I am just laughing, laughing, laughing inside. For the first time I see so clearly how it is ME who is making herself unhappy. I have this concept and I compare that to reality. Of course, I’ll be unhappy. Wow!
Turnarounds
They should not be more supportive.
- Truer! They shouldn’t when they aren’t.
- They shouldn’t because I get to see these concepts I have and how unkind I treat others when they don’t live up to that made-up standard.
- They shouldn’t because I just got to see that my unhappiness doesn’t come from their actions but from my thinking of how things should be.
I should be more supportive (of my friends)
- Yes. When I believe "They should be more supportive of me" I have no room for being supportive of them. It all shrinks down to what they are doing for ME.
- Yes. If I think it’s so easy for them to do, let me start with me.
I should be more supportive (of me)
- When I believe the thought "They should be more supportive of me", I am gone. I am over there in their business. Nobody here with me. No wonder I feel lonely.
- If I need more support, I should ask for it, instead of stewing in sadness and feelings of abandonment and overwhelm. That would be true support.
Filed under Approval and Appreciation, Control, Fear and Depression, Relationships by on Apr 5th, 2008. Comment. 
1. Is it true?
It might. It could REALLY hurt and be soo uncomfortable.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
No.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I let them ignore me. I don’t do anything about it. I don’t go up to them and ask point blank. I don’t bring it out into the open. I am quiet. I suffer. I think of quitting and not coming back. I have my head low. I am hoping for it to end and for everything to be normal again.
How do you treat others?
I see them as powerful. They can make me feel bad. They can make my life miserable. – And they can make it better.
How do you treat yourself?
I see myself as weak. As someone who couldn’t handle whatever might be there. I see myself blushing. I leave myself alone in my pain. I don’t stop or at least try to stop the pain and suffering. I abandon me.
I reach for food to soothe me. (Yeah, all day I’ve been wanting to eat stuff)
What has this thought been trying to protect you from?
Public and open judgment where everybody gets to tell me straight to the face what they think of me. This terrifies me (the 12 year old without inquiry). Who knows what would come up. I get images of extreme discomfort, blushing, wanting out, shame and embarrassement forever. I could never come back to the club, people in town would be talking about me, my life (and this sports team is a big part of my life) would be cut off. Gosh, no wonder I wouldn’t confront anybody and ask what IS UP?
How have you lived your life because you believed that thought?
I duck. I don’t confront other people when there seems to be an issue. I am afraid of what all would come up if I did. I am afraid to hear what they REALLY think of me. FEAR. LIMITS.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Without this thought, no doubt, I would address the problem. I would confront the people that seem to avoid me, that don’t talk to me. I would ask what’s up. I would bring it out into the open. I might ask the coach to take some time and have a team meeting to discuss the issue.
I would not feel guilty or look for possible reasons why they could be upset with me. I wouldn’t try to be nice to make them see I am ok.
Yes, I would stand up straight and just find out what’s up. I would confront instead of duck. Without the thought I am out of fear and paralysis into confidence and action. I am out of their business trying to figure it out myself.
I am much more loving and gentle with myself. I would stand by me. I would fight for me. I would not abandon me. I would stand up for me.
I would not see others as almighty and right. I would question their behavior. I wouldn’t not automatically assume that they must be right. I would be much more light-hearted but also determined and confident, active. Yeah, I would take action.
Oooh, that feels REALLY good. Especially the part where I fight for me and don’t abandon me.
Turnarounds:
All hell won’t break loose.
The worst that could happen is that everybody tells me what a bad person I am and that they don’t want me in the team anymore. Now, isn’t that what I am already considering anyway? If people really thought that badly of me, would I want to go on and have them suppress their thoughts and feelings and smile at me instead? Woud I really want that?
All hell will come to an end.
Yeah, I would fight for me. I really saw that the pain wasn’t in what THEY did to me but what I did to me. They say I am bad and I believed them. I left me. I abandoned me. I didn’t stand up for me. I let them say I am bad and I didn’t set things right. I made them more powerful than me.
All heaven will break loose.
Oooh, stand up for myself, be with me. What’s the worst that could happen if I open up the lines of communication? People telling me their opinion of me. No more and no less. So the worst that could happen is that I take what they say about me and believe it. And isn’t that what I already am doing?
The other part of heaven that could break loose that I see is to get clarity about what’s going on and to find out that all was just a communication mistake. Clearing it up instead of letting it simmer under the surface for days and never really talking about it.
Filed under Approval and Appreciation, Fear and Depression, Relationships by on Sep 15th, 2007. Comment.
1. Is it true?
YES! I have one reference of just a small group of people avoiding me and not talking to me, and in my mind that was one of the most terrible times in my life.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
Boy! I can’t really know. I am a different person today than I was when I was a 12 year old girl. I can’t know how the same situation would feel like to me today. No, I can’t absolutely know that it would feel like hell if nobody liked me.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I internally panic when someone doesn’t approve of me. It is rather subtle. I would not be consciously aware that that is the reason I feel such discomfort when someone shows even the slightest disapproval.
It feels great to have other people’s approval. It feels great when other people like me. That’s the norm. But oh boy, do all my alarm signals go off when I am not immediately liked by other people and approved of. It feels BAD. Really bad. No wonder it does. Look at what is at stake for me! Hell!
With that thought, there is fear, and stress, and a dependence on others. I constantly have my radar up whether people approve of me or not. From that belief also comes an immense pressure on myself to do what it takes to be liked: Don’t offend anybody. Don’t be too different. Don’t hurt anybody. Don’t make anybody feel bad. Don’t be lazy. Don’t show angry feelings. Don’t be too complicated. Be nice. Be easy. Be funny.
Oh my God! So many limits. So many do’s and don’ts. There is this narrow path to walk on.
How do you treat other people?
I am afraid of people that have lots of influence. For they are the ones that could influence others, and that could ultimately lead to being all alone.
How do you treat yourself?
Pressure. I don’t care how I feel – I need to do whatever it takes to not fall off that narrow path. Smile! Be good! Be angelic, really. Be the greatest step mother. Basically, lock away any thoughts and feelings that are less than great.
What has this thought been trying to protect you from?
To stray off the path. To keep me safe. Yeah, keep me from doing anything that would get me kicked out of the herd and make me saber-toothed tiger food.
How have you lived your life because you’ve believed that thought?
I haven’t really lived my life…
With that thought: Limits, fear, pressure on myself.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Free. I would be free. I see this image of me running on a green grass field with wide open arms. I would be light. I would be very loving and gentle with me. Oooh, that feels soo good.
Wow, all that heaviness and fear is gone. The tension is leaving my body. Wow! What a life!
Turnarounds:
It would be heaven, if nobody liked me.
Because I would be left. Nobody else to do my job. No distraction. No chasing other’s approval. Just me.
It would be hell, if I didn’t like me.
- So true. One example is my old identity of being big. When someone found me cute, I couldn’t believe them. I either disregarded what they were saying, devaluating their opinion, or I thought they might have a motive. I was suspicious.
- Once someone called me a fat cow when I accidentally stepped on her feet in a crowded train. Her comment cut like a knife (and there is still some charge). I thought of me as big. I didn’t like being tall. I was the one putting me in hell by hearing her words and believing them. I have no idea if that was her standard phrase no matter how tall or big someone was. Who knows. All my friends called this women all sorts of things when they heard me tell them what she said. "You are not fat!" It felt better knowing their support but deep down I still believed I WAS big. That was the hell part.
- Someone says they like me, I will guess what it is that they like and try to keep that identity up. Maybe they like that I am funny, or easy-going, or open-minded. In order to keep their love and approval, I try to be what I think they like. If I don’t like me, I have to seek it from someone else. And that is where the stress comes in.
It would be hell, if everybody liked me.
True. There have been only a handful of people that didn’t like me. So, almost all people that I have come in contact with liked me. And look at my answers in question 3! Limits, fear, pressure on myself. That sounds like hell. So, even though I have it most of the time, there then is the fear of losing it. Just because I have it now, doesn’t mean I can rest in it. It could be gone tomorrow. This constant worry IS the hell I was afraid of in the first place.
Filed under Approval and Appreciation, Fear and Depression, Relationships, Self by on Sep 14th, 2007. Comment.
1. Is it true?
Yes.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
No.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I want to pillory them. I want everybody to know that they lied. I want everybody to know the truth. I judge them harshly. I see them as immoral.
With the thought: disgust and separation.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
I would be relaxed. I would hear people lie and I wouldn’t have a story about that. I wouldn’t condone it but I also wouldn’t judge them harshly or talk about them to others.
Without the thought: peace and being relaxed.
Turnarounds:
People should lie.
- That’s reality. In this world people lie. Sometimes.
- Sometimes that may be best for their or mine or other people’s path in the long run.
- Often it takes courage to be honest, even to themselves.
I shouldn’t lie.
- I have. So if I think others shouldn’t, how even is that?
- Yeah, I live that. Honesty is one of my most important values. It is for me to live.
- Sometimes I am lying to myself by telling myself I can’t do that or I am too weak, not smart enough, too big – stories that are just not true.
I notice how I don’t really believe this thought. Interesting.
Filed under Control, Relationships by on Sep 3rd, 2007. Comment.
1. Is it true?
Someone says I am selfish, I must be selfish. Someone says I am needy, they must be right.
So yes, I think I do believe that.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
Someone says I am jealous and I giggle. Ah! There we go! So, it’s not always true. If someone says something that I KNOW not to be true, I don’t take it on. I find it interesting how they got to their judgment. I want to know more about.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I give what someone else says or thinks of me a lot of weight. I try to control how they see me. I do all these things so they see me in a certain way. I give so they think I am generous. I smile so they think I am nice. I don’t dance on the street so they won’t think I am crazy. And on and on.
I see others as powerful. When I believe that thought I also believe that I need their approval. I feel dependent on others to feel good. I need others to see me in a certain way so that I can feel good.
I give others a lot of power over me. They threaten to see me in an unfavorable light and I’ll do whatever it takes to turn the situation around. I am a slave, no better yet, a prostitute. I sell myself in order to get their love and approval.
I live a limited life. I take life serious.
With the thought: fear and a limited life
4. Who would you be without the thought?
When I look at the example of someone calling me jealous, I see clearly that it is their lens that they see me through. It is not who I am in reality but their pspective. And I see it even clearer if someone were to call me fat. That would be from their perspective, from the examples that they compare myself to, their culture, their background. An Asian person or a German could call me fat while an American would call me skinny.
Wow, how eye opening.
Yeah, without the thought I could appreciate people sharing their inner world with me. Someone calls me selfish and it would give me an indication that in their world doing or not doing xyz means a person is selfish. And from that place I could be open to hearing more about their experience of me. It’s not that I never had that thought myself.
Turnarounds:
The way other people see me is not the way I am.
- Another person can never see inside of me and ever know exactly what my experience is. So, they never have all the information to make a precise judgment.
- Everybody sees me through their own lens. Someone fat might see me as skinny, someone skinny might see me as fat. Someone loving their stepmother role might judge me as cold-hearted, someone just going through some trouble with their stepkids might judge me as amazingly patient and enlightened.
- Sometimes people say something with a motive and it may not be what they truly think. I have said things before to hurt someone else or because I was in a bad place, when I didn’t really mean it.
The way I see other people is not the way they are.
- Yes, I only get to see snapshots, only the outside, never do I get to see all the internal life with all previous experiences etc. My judgement therefore is inherently wrong.
- If I have an issue with, let’s say, men not doing their fair share in the household, I will perceive any man that doesn’t do much around the house as a macho. I wouldn’t be free to see how the woman might not want his participation or that and how he contributes in a different way, or whatever else makes it work for that couple.
- If I see someone a certain way, let’s say, as being selfish, my mind will only see the instances that prove me right and will ignore everything else.
The way I see myself is not the way I am.
Oh, good one! I have been picking up what my parents or other people have told me who I am and now believe it myself. But does that mean that is who I am? It can’t because the way other people saw me was tainted by the lens they were looking through. Wow! Let me just sit with that for a while.
Filed under Approval and Appreciation, Fear and Depression, Relationships, Self by on Aug 30th, 2007. 3 Comments.
