1. Is it true?
Yes! I was in pain and needed her help.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
No. I often have an opinion about how things should be only to find out later that something even better came from that. So I have learned that it is better that I don’t get a vote in what should and shouldn’t happen.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I am upset with her. What kind of friend is she? I think of her as uncaring. At the same time I am puzzled because it is not like her. My mind spins in circles: Why doesn’t she call me back (at the time) and: "Why didn’t she call me back"? I am trying to make sense of it, and I can’t. I am confused. I don’t know what to think. I don’t know how to act or be.
When I believe that thought I separate from her. I don’t call her. I sulk. I don’t answer the phone when she does call. I don’t return her phone call.
How do I treat myself? By separating from her, I hurt myself. I don’t connect even though I do want to talk to her. I don’t get the support that I know would feel good.
My walls are up. Something very familiar. I cut people out of my life. Why? To hurt them back. To show them what they have done. To show them that I don’t need them. That I can do without them. I think I am soo strong and independet. All the while I hurt myself too.
When I believe the thought, I just focus on what she was not doing. I forget all the things she did do and how great having her in my life has been.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Without the thought, I would call her. I would share with her how her not calling back was confusing to me and how I had really needed her. I would be open to hearing her story.
I would also acknowledge that with her not being there I still found a way of dealing with my pain. I would acknowledge that the situation ended up being quite good. I would acknowledge that I even preferred the way it turned out. I faced the problem instead of running away from it. Yes, I would acknowledge all that and stop being a victim. I am not worse off by her not calling me but it might actually have been better that she did not call me back.
Turnarounds:
She should not have called me back.
- Reality is that she did not call me back. That is what actually happened, no matter what kind of different story I like to tell about it.
- That way I had to solve the problem instead of running away from it. And that was a great experience that showed me that even difficult problems are possible to solve.
- I am learning that no matter how strongly I think that I need something to happen, in the end it turns out that I didn’t need it. That may be very helpful next time around when thinking that I really, really need something to happen.
I should have called her back.
- If I needed her to call back so urgently, I wouldn’t have stopped calling her. I would have kept calling her until I’d reach her. And I actually knew how to make sure I’d reach her. But I didn’t do that.
- Ah! A light bulb just went off: There was a time when she called me and I had to go. I told her I’d call her right back – and then I forgot. And when I remembered it wasn’t a good time and the next time either and the next time either… Wow – I am just like her! Would I want her to punish me by withdrawing?
- Who else have I not called back even though they made it sound important? I can find at least 2 more examples right away.
I should have called me back.
Ok, so I am not getting a call back from her. That is what is. If think I still need an answer can I give that to myself? Is it really true that I need her to give me that answer? I would look into that and possibly find out that I don’t and I might find a different answer.
Filed under Relationships by on Jun 17th, 2007. Comment. 
1. Is that true?
Yes. If everybody made an effort to be nice to each other, the world would be a friendlier place for everyone.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
No. If everybody was nice to each other even if and when they didn’t feel that way the world might be a phony, not-to-be-trusted, full-of-lies place.
How do you react when you believe this thought? When I come across people that aren’t nice but unfriendly, loud, disrespectul, hurting others, attacking, bullying, bossing people around I get really upset and sad. How could they do that??
I get very, very resentful of those people. I feel it in my body: tension in my back, neck, face, and jaw. They make life harder. They destroy the peace.
I don’t want to be around people who don’t seem to care about other people’s feelings. There is big separation from these people.
Relaxed. More peaceful. Just noticing. Loving that they wouldn’t hold back and alter their behavior and therefore hold back and anger in (or whatever feeling). I’d like to have it all on the table and not have to guess what they are actually thinking/feeling. I also believe that by holding back it doesn’t get solved but lingers under the surface and will show up somewhere else, that is backfire at me (or whomever).
I also feel much kinder towards them. No or less resentment. Just noticing. Without any idea of how it should be.
Kinder towards myself too as I don’t take it personal and as I don’t scare myself with the thought that the world is getting harsher.
Turnarounds
People shouldn’t be nice to each other.
-That’s reality. Sometimes they aren’t.
- I am spared to have to smile when I don’t feel like it. And so do they.
- When people are not nice to each other or to me it’s FOR me because I get to see what’s left and work on my thinking.
People should be nasty to each other.
Again, I can see how that would be FOR me because that triggers something for me. It’s like an acid test: If there is something left it shows up as a change in color. And if there isn’t the litmus paper (= my thoughts/feelings) stays unchanged.
I should be nice to others.
Now if I want others to do it can I do it myself, ALL the time?? With EVERYBODY?? Don’t think so…
Living my turnaround could look like:
- doing The Work instantly when a nasty thought about someone comes up for me.
- not making fun about parts of another culture that seems incomprehensible to me, remembering that when it is the other way around I don’t like it either.
- For example, I hate when people are wasteful with ressources (plastic utensils, paper cups and plates etc.) – Now can I be nice to these people, in my head, remembering that they might just not be aware or never been educated on recycling, what happens to trash etc.
I should be nice to me.
- in the moment I am having this thought I don’t treat my body nice – I cause it to have tensions
- in the moment I am having this thought I scare myself by thinking that the world is moving towards more harshness – The nicest thing I can imagine is questioning the thoughts that cause me not to be nice to me.
I should be nice to my thinking.
Now can I be nice to my thoughts. Can I embrace them, hug them, be understanding? Even when I am not nice to people, even when I have nasty thoughts, can I still be nice to my thinking and not put it down for having those thoughts? Now let me live that turnaround.
Filed under Approval and Appreciation, Control, Relationships by on Jun 10th, 2007. Comment.
Belief: Being strong is better than being weak.
1. Is that true?
YES! Proof?
When you are strong you get what you want. People don’t mess with you or try to take advantage of you. People respect you. People admire you.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
Better for what? Maybe sometimes what appears strong is actually fear and hurts inside and other times what appears to be weak is actually inner strength and feels good.
I put myself down when I am weak. The times that I have been weak in my mind are more sticky and prevalent than the times I have been strong. I look up to people that seem strong. I also am afraid of them since I see myself as weak.
How have you lived your life? I have always strived for being strong and put myself down when I was weak in my mind. I beat myself up for being weak. I avoided situations where I could have shown weakness. I cut my wings and limited my space by trying to avoid situation that would could potentially make my weakness visible.
I’d be very excited about any experience. There’d be no need to be afraid of situations where I might be weak. That feels very liberating.
I’d be so much more loving towards myself. I’d be open to experiencing and allowing any feeling. The outcome wouldn’t matter so much as just me being with me – no matter how I act. Unconditional love for me. Wow, that sounds exciting.
Turnarounds
Being strong is not better than being weak.
- If I believe that then it hurts when I Am weak. I don’t love myself as much.
- Sometimes being strong means me hurting inside or hurting someone else.
- When it means to "win" that also mean someone else "loses".
- The person doesn’t really get to see me if I am faking strong. It’s a lie then.
Being weak is better than being strong.
- Vulnerability makes people more open. They open up more if they see I am not made of steel but human and not perfect.
- The other one gets to "win" and that often feels good to them.
- I get to be in touch with my emotions and I get to be there for me when I need me most. Sweet!
Being strong is equal to being weak.
What am I here for? What if any feeling was ok? What if I could love myself no matter whether I was strong or weak, honest or lying, poor or rich, successful or failing? Boy, what a life! Nothing to lose. Now that feels really good.
Filed under Approval and Appreciation, Fear and Depression, Relationships by on Jun 5th, 2007. Comment.
Belief: Another person can make me feel good.
1. Is that true?
Well, I look at when I fall in love with someone how great I feel. How someone else can lift my spirit, can make me feel good when I’m down. Isn’t that why I often turn to T?
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
Well, I do pretty much believe that. Though I don’t know the specifics of how the feeling good works. So I wouldn’t put my hand in the fire for that. Meaning "no" I can’t absolutely know that.
3. How do you react when you believe this thought?
I’m anxious to spend time with that person. I’m afraid of the guy leaving me. Then all the good times are over. I think if he only loved me everything would be allright for me. I give away the responsibility. I depend on someone else for my happiness and that makes me sad and resistent too. I have a hard time if the other person wants to be with someone else or wants to spend time on his own. Because I believe it takes away from my happiness. I’m "addicted" to get more and more. Yes, feed me, feed me. I forget about some of the things that are important to me. I give them up, I compromise on stuff in order to keep the good feeling.
4. Who would you be without that thought?
I’d be more often with Me. I’d give me more credit. I wouldn’t turn outward. I’d be damn happy to be with me. More than I do so now. I wouldn’t value being with a guy higher than being with me. Less worried or stressed out if someone temporarily falls out of love with me.
Turnarounds
Another person can’t make me feel good.
- S. was the most wonderful guy and yet he couldn’t make me feel good.
- If I want to suffer I will, no matter what the other one does or says. I will always find the bad in it.
- I meet the same person. One day I feel good with them, another time I don’t, even though the guy seems to do the same thing.
I can make me feel good.
- When I take care of my body and put on something nice.
- When I allow myself to have made a mistake, not gotten enough done, feeling down etc.
- By dancing or reading a romance novel.
Filed under Relationships by on May 29th, 2007. Comment.
