1. Is it true?
YES! I have one reference of just a small group of people avoiding me and not talking to me, and in my mind that was one of the most terrible times in my life.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
Boy! I can’t really know. I am a different person today than I was when I was a 12 year old girl. I can’t know how the same situation would feel like to me today. No, I can’t absolutely know that it would feel like hell if nobody liked me.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I internally panic when someone doesn’t approve of me. It is rather subtle. I would not be consciously aware that that is the reason I feel such discomfort when someone shows even the slightest disapproval.
It feels great to have other people’s approval. It feels great when other people like me. That’s the norm. But oh boy, do all my alarm signals go off when I am not immediately liked by other people and approved of. It feels BAD. Really bad. No wonder it does. Look at what is at stake for me! Hell!
With that thought, there is fear, and stress, and a dependence on others. I constantly have my radar up whether people approve of me or not. From that belief also comes an immense pressure on myself to do what it takes to be liked: Don’t offend anybody. Don’t be too different. Don’t hurt anybody. Don’t make anybody feel bad. Don’t be lazy. Don’t show angry feelings. Don’t be too complicated. Be nice. Be easy. Be funny.
Oh my God! So many limits. So many do’s and don’ts. There is this narrow path to walk on.
How do you treat other people?
I am afraid of people that have lots of influence. For they are the ones that could influence others, and that could ultimately lead to being all alone.
How do you treat yourself?
Pressure. I don’t care how I feel – I need to do whatever it takes to not fall off that narrow path. Smile! Be good! Be angelic, really. Be the greatest step mother. Basically, lock away any thoughts and feelings that are less than great.
What has this thought been trying to protect you from?
To stray off the path. To keep me safe. Yeah, keep me from doing anything that would get me kicked out of the herd and make me saber-toothed tiger food.
How have you lived your life because you’ve believed that thought?
I haven’t really lived my life…
With that thought: Limits, fear, pressure on myself.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Free. I would be free. I see this image of me running on a green grass field with wide open arms. I would be light. I would be very loving and gentle with me. Oooh, that feels soo good.
Wow, all that heaviness and fear is gone. The tension is leaving my body. Wow! What a life!
Turnarounds:
It would be heaven, if nobody liked me.
Because I would be left. Nobody else to do my job. No distraction. No chasing other’s approval. Just me.
It would be hell, if I didn’t like me.
- So true. One example is my old identity of being big. When someone found me cute, I couldn’t believe them. I either disregarded what they were saying, devaluating their opinion, or I thought they might have a motive. I was suspicious.
- Once someone called me a fat cow when I accidentally stepped on her feet in a crowded train. Her comment cut like a knife (and there is still some charge). I thought of me as big. I didn’t like being tall. I was the one putting me in hell by hearing her words and believing them. I have no idea if that was her standard phrase no matter how tall or big someone was. Who knows. All my friends called this women all sorts of things when they heard me tell them what she said. "You are not fat!" It felt better knowing their support but deep down I still believed I WAS big. That was the hell part.
- Someone says they like me, I will guess what it is that they like and try to keep that identity up. Maybe they like that I am funny, or easy-going, or open-minded. In order to keep their love and approval, I try to be what I think they like. If I don’t like me, I have to seek it from someone else. And that is where the stress comes in.
It would be hell, if everybody liked me.
True. There have been only a handful of people that didn’t like me. So, almost all people that I have come in contact with liked me. And look at my answers in question 3! Limits, fear, pressure on myself. That sounds like hell. So, even though I have it most of the time, there then is the fear of losing it. Just because I have it now, doesn’t mean I can rest in it. It could be gone tomorrow. This constant worry IS the hell I was afraid of in the first place.
Filed under Approval and Appreciation, Fear and Depression, Relationships, Self by on Sep 14th, 2007. Comment. 
1. Is it true?
I think I really believe that.
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
No.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I look at women that just stay home, raise kids and do the cooking and cleaning – and I see them as worth less.
I put myself under pressure to achieve. When I believe that thought I also feel a constant shortage of time. With that thought I am constantly chasing against the clock. I compare myself with the imaginary place of where I should be, what I should have gotten done by now, how much money I should be making, etc.
Negative self-talk. Little or disrespecting others. Doing the same with myself. Constant pressure. Being flustered with the question: What do you do?
Ick! Lots of tension in my shoulders, constantly tapping my foot, a constant restlessness. And I eat. I eat to soothe and comfort.
Alright! I am ready to look at what life would be without this thought!
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Oh my god, that would be soo peaceful. I would just live my life. I would do what’s right in front of me. Without a story of where that should lead to. I would be more present. I would enjoy life more. I would be out of other people’s business. I would enjoy doing nothing. I could totally immerse myself in playing with W. There’d be PEACE. And also less separation and judgement of others.
Mmh, yeah that feels good. I love that.
Turnarounds:
People that don’t achieve anything are not worth less.
- I have no clue what they came into this life for. What if it was just to experience what it’s like to breathe?
- Or what if these people’s job was to make others feel better in that they offer a level of achievement that is easy for others to top?
-
Side question:
What is the purpose of achievement? Why do we need to achieve something in the first place?
Because everybody needs to contribute.
Why?
Because otherwise it is unbalanced. Some people DO something while others don’t.
Ok, so it’s about fairness. Now, what about these women that stay home and raise the children, do the cooking and cleaning. They ARE doing something.
Yes, that’s true.
So, it’s not just about fairness.
No. There is a concept of good and bad, better and worse.
So, achievement comes in a specific form?
Yes. You can’t "achieve" something at home.
Is achievement tied to money?
Not sure. Actually, a professor could come up with some new formula or write a book and she may not make a lot of money but she gets a lot of recognition.
Ah! So, achievement is tied to approval?
Yes, I think more so than money. Because I could think of someone making A LOT of money and nobody would call him an achiever. Let’s say a drug dealer or bank robber.
Ok, so we’ve established that achievement is tied to approval. You want to achieve something because that would get you people’s approval.
Yes.
So, the underlying belief here is: You need other people’s approval.
Yes, that’s it. I’ll question that next.
Ooooh, that was good!
Filed under Approval and Appreciation, Self, Time, Work by on Sep 13th, 2007. 4 Comments.
1. Is it true?
Oh gosh, it sure feels like it!
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
Well, I should add There is never enough time for the things I want, should, or need to do.
I still want to say yes. Well, actually sometimes there is enough time. But boy, I still am pretty convinced. Ok, I’ll leave room for doubt.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I am greedy for time. I am stingy, a time miser. I don’t want to give up time. I feel bothered by phone calls or long emails.
I see this image of holding onto a ball and people trying to take it away from me. I scratch and I scream. I throw myself on top of the ball with my whole body, so nobody can get it, and then all these people take it from me at once. I feel hopeless. I feel angry. I feel tight and closed up.
With the thought: stress, tension, separation.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
Oh boy, this one is so hard. I can’t even begin to step into that one. But ok, let’s try.
Without that thought I wouldn’t have an idea of what I should be doing or need to be doing. There would only be what I AM doing.
There would be peace. I would be relaxed. I would be led by what is showing up in my life. I would be moved, sort of like I am not doing it but I am just witnessing where I am moving.
Turnarounds:
There is always enough time.
- For all the things that need to get done. Because if they didn’t get done they didn’t need to get done. I mean look at where I am today! I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. And I am here with all the times that I didn’t get everything done.
- For everything that is necessary to be on the path I am. No more and no less. Ooooh, what if I really trusted that?
Ok, the time issue is still a big one. I want to try tackling it another way. More to come…
Filed under Time by on Sep 12th, 2007. Comment.
1. Is it true?
Oh My! YES!
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
They are not when I see a child throwing a tantrum on tv. Mmh, maybe because I know that this fit has nothing to do with me nor has it any implications for the future/for my future with that child. Interesting. So, no I cannot absolutely know that it is true.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
I am afraid of them. I try to avoid them. I pick my fights. I don’t want R. to go on business trips and leave me alone with W. I separate. I imagine a world with a fitless W. Yeah, I make myself believe that life would be much better without tantrums. I see myself as a victim. If only…
With that thought I divide time with W. into "good times" and "bad times". I try not to be around during "bad times". My love becomes very conditional.
This thought brings separation, stress, avoidance, and also anxiety. Phew!
4. Who would you be without the thought?
There’d be love. I would see a child that hasn’t been conditioned into being "nice" for the sake of others. A child that expresses his frustration instead of holding it in. How beautiful is that?
Without the thought, there’d be compassion. With him. With me. With the gentleness his Dad handles his fits.
Without the thought, I feel much more peaceful. I close my eyes and I watch W. throw his tantrum, and all I see is freedom. Freedom to express one’s frustration, needs and wants that are alive in him (just like they are in me). I could really be there for him and listen. I would see the gift in him sharing his inner world with the people around him. I would also feel honored that he feels safe and comfortable enough to be just himself. No holding back or being nice out of shame.
Yeah, without the thought, there is gratefulness. I can see the gifts. Mmh, how wonderful.
Turnarounds:
Tantrums are not a big energy drain.
Not the ones on tv. If I have nothing to do with it, no problem. 
My thinking (about tantrums) his a big energy drain.
Oh yeah, so much more like it. He throws a fit and I make it mean something, about him, about me, about the past, about the future. Oh boy, no wonder it is soo energy draining.
Tantrums are a big energy provider.
Well, just right now, after doing this Work, I feel so … mh, full of love, so peaceful. That is energy. Oh, I love it!
Is there someone in your life who seems difficult to deal with? A child, a boss, a partner? You might find this upcoming teleclass on dealing with difficult people helpful. I’ll sure be there!
Filed under Approval and Appreciation, Children, Parents by on Sep 10th, 2007. 4 Comments.
1. Is it true?
Yes. Evidence is mounting that it was a lie. He can’t get those characters!
2. Can you absolutely know that it is true?
He really, really wants it. So, no.
3. How do you react when you think that thought?
Annoyed. I want to knock on his forehead saying: Don’t you get it??! If it IS a lie then no matter what you do, the characters aren’t in the game. The programers didn’t put them in the game."
I actually get angry. I want to jump up and down and scream: No matter what you do, if the programers didn’t put the characters in there, they won’t be there!! §$%&!
I feel my energy draining. I feel like Rumpelstilzchen, angrily jumping up and down. I get impatient.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
I would relax. I would take it lightly. I would see how he really wants these characters. I would see the beauty in it. What amazing determination. No matter how much evidence to the contrary, he keeps believing. He doesn’t give up.
I would also realize that I don’t have to keep doing the search for him. I could say no. For now. I could lovingly acknowledge that he still wants to find a way, and that I am not available to help in this moment or need a break for an hour.
Mmh, yeah, that feels much better.
Turnarounds:
He should not realize that it won’t happen.
- Not until he does. (and he did eventually)
- Because the problem wasn’t that he didn’t get it but that I made that mean that I have to keep on helping him until he gets it. Big difference!
- Because he really wanted those characters. It’s only in his integrity to keep on believing.
I should realize that it won’t happen.
- Yeah, in the moment that I think that he should realize it, I should realize that he won’t realize. (And can I do that?)
- Where do I keep on believing something even though evidence for the contrary is mounting? What do I not want to give up believing?
- He (or anybody for that matter) will never be the child I imagine he would be IF… Oh, you sweet stories. How hard is it to let go of you…
Filed under Children by on Sep 9th, 2007. 2 Comments.
